This morning as I lay in bed scrolling through instagram, I felt an itch in my right ear. I scratched, and it went away, so I continued mindlessly scrolling through post after post. Everything looks the same. Everyone looks the same. BUT I LOVE IT.
I had had my fill, so it was time to rise and greet the world. And shower too. I rolled my sleepy cat off my legs, gave her about 50 kisses on her forehead, and headed to the bathroom to take a shower.
I know you're not supposed to, but I always clean my ears with a cotton bud after a shower. Yes, I know it compacts your earwax over time, but here's a confession: I think I produce way more earwax than the average lady. I don't know if it's a condition, I've never web m.d.'ed it, but alls I know is that I need a daily cotton swabbing just to feel like an average person with average earwax amounts. Don't judge me. It's routine at this point.
That being said, here's another thing-- I often think about how terrifying it would be to have a spider stuck in your ear canal. I saw a video on youtube of a spider extraction from someone's ear, and everyone in the comments said it was "FAKE FAKE FAKE," but like my good friend Jesus has taught me-- "Anything is possible for one who believes." So I'm just saying that finding creepy crawlies in your ear is totally within the realm of possibilities.
All of this to say that when I swabbed my ear this morning, I was shocked to find a black ball on the tip of the cotton bud. I looked closer, and it was a goddamn beetle. He was alive. He was partially smushed, and he looked like he was fighting to regain his strength. Only his front legs were moving slightly. I thought, "Wow, this guy has seen better days, for sure." And then I thought, "Yea, this guy is a fucking asshole. Uninvited, but making himself at home in MY ear canal. This is an invasion, and I will not stand for it." I threw him in the trash without putting him out of his misery. Let him live his final hours writhing amidst the rest of my dirty q-tips, ruing the hour he dared trespass against me.
Upon writing this, I do feel a twinge of guilt for not putting him out of his misery. That was cruel. I'm just like the Old Testament God in that way. I am thankful that it was a measly carpet beetle and not a spider that found its way into my body, the temple. The temple of earwax? I'm so much more than earwax, I promise.
-j
