My husband is home alone, in the shower. He is startled to hear the bathroom door burst open. The cat? No, couldn't be. He pulls the shower curtain back to see me, with blood dripping down my face, my shirt open, blood all over my chest and staining my bra.
"Dude, what the HECK?!"
I used to get really bad nosebleeds as a kid. They usually came about after I had eaten particularly large doses of chocolate. I have a sweet tooth, so I was frequently bleeding from the nose. Then adolescence sprang upon me, and these nosebleed bouts eventually lessened over time and faded from my regular routine. A scarlet whisper of my past.
Then last year, nosebleeds came back with a vengeance. I'm not sure what the culprit was, it might have been a brownie, it might have been the warm summer weather, but I got a gnarly nosebleed at work. When it started, I wasn't expecting much, maybe a few minutes of bleeding, and back to work I'd go, but no-- this was a doozy. I was rendered useless. I sat for 20 minutes in the bathroom, periodically checking for signs of clotting. Blood clots, come through! Alas, they would not come through. I decided to throw in the towel (nay, the clumps of crimson stained toilet paper) and go home.
I got in the car, and I could feel warm blood dripping down onto my lap. There was no time to call and tell the husband about my predicament. I wanted to get home straight away. I drove with one hand on the wheel, the other pinching the top of my nose. I pinched so hard, it felt like a future bruise. I was getting blood everywhere.
When I arrived at home, my cat jumped off the couch and ran toward me. I had to get more tissue. She sensed my urgency and escorted me to the bathroom, where I burst through the door, and gave my husband the scare of a lifetime. Imagine being at home, alone, in the shower, when a bloody girl appears and screams your name. That would be me-- bloody girl.
I was halfway through unbuttoning my shirt, crying that my nose was bleeding really badly, and trying to drip the excess blood into the sink.
"Dude, what the HECK?!"
"Babe. It's really bad."
"Stop panicking. Are you panicking?!"
Me, obviously panicking, "NO! I'M FINE. It's just.. I don't know! I can't take off my shirt!"
"I'll help you. Hold on, let me rinse off. You scared me. Dude, you came in so loud."
"Sorry, I'm very blood. I'm helpless."
My nose bled for like, four hours that night. We sat in front of the television, in the weird part of YouTube, looking up videos like, "Nose Won't Stop Bleeding," "ER Nosebleed," "Will I Die Nosebleed."
My cutie cat sat next to me, with her butt facing toward me, looking back at me to let me know she was there. My husband sat on my other side, folding tissues for me and periodically offering to get me a fresh bag of ice for my nose. Eventually, the blood subsided, and the blessed clot formed.
I went to the bathroom to slowly pull the wad of tissues from my face, and a giant blood clot came glooping out my nose. It was a deep red, almost black. It looked like an alien life form.
"BABE! COME LOOK!"
We marveled at the blood clot. It was so shiny and disgusting.
"I made that."
"You can't hurry perfection. This is a perfect blood clot."
"Should we save it?"
"No, let's go to sleep."
"Okay. Thanks, babe."
"You have shampoo in your hair."
"Whose fault is that?"
"SOMEBODY came bursting into the bathroom with blood all over her face when I was in the shower...."
"SOMEBODY didn't let me finish my shower..."
"SOMEBODY just had a four hour nosebleed...."
"Hehe. I know. I need some iron now."
"I need steak tomorrow."
And then we went to Outback the next day and lived happily ever after.