I think we can all agree that fall is the fourth best season. I'm an October baby, and I despise fall. I think that's saying something. When the temperature starts to drop so does my mood. A cold me is an angry me, and fall is just the beginning of chilly chills. It's taken me nearly 30 years to pinpoint exactly why I hate fall. These are my reasons:
1. The cold. Being cold is painful. Being cold makes me just as grumpy as I am when I'm on my period. My ears start to ache, my body hunches over to keep the heat in my core, and I just became a sour, little, shivering gremlin.
2. The bunched fabrics. With cold comes layering. That means on any given day, I'm wearing a bra, a thermal layer, a knit sweater, and a jacket on top. All of of these layers are a recipe for inevitable fabric bunching, which is my arch nemesis. Fabrics bunching under other fabrics is the worst feeling, and if I were still religious, I would think there's a layer in hell where people wear sweaters with bunched sleeves under jackets for all eternity. That would be my personal hell. Thank God I don't believe in hell. But if I did-- oh boy, I would not want to go there. I'd be all like, "Hey Satan, can you help me pull this sweater sleeve taut, it's all bunched up under my jacket, and it's mega uncomfortable." And Satan would be like, "Girl, you's in hell. I ain't helping you with shit."
3. Pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice can eat a dick. You're fooling yourself if you think pumpkin spice is anything more than glorified cinnamon. Oh, you like pumpkin spice? Let me simplify that for you. You like cinnamon. Good job. Imagine meeting the man of your dreams, and he's like, "I really like you. Can I take you out for a pumpkin spice latte one of these days? I'm actually so stoked for pumpkin spice season. It's the best." And it's a bummer, because you have to say, "Nah. No thanks, I'm good on that." Another one bites the dust.
4. Dying leaves everywhere. It's pretty for a week, and then they're all on the ground. Mushy, orange-brown leaf paste on the floor, and the trees are stark naked and vulnerable, standing so tall against the sky. The land feels barren, and so does your soul, because we are finite creatures, and we'll all die one day too.
5. Fall-scented candles. Unless you're Martha Stewart, there's no reason your house should smell like "A Brisk Walk Through Pine Forest." Or "Cozy Sweater." Or "Various Gourds Arranged On Your Table." Or "Turkey Dinner, Gravy, and Cornbread Feast." Or "Sparkling Cranberry Sangria In A Glass Bowl." Or "Crispy Leaf That I'm Trying To Step On." Or "Depressing Family Reunion." Or "Pumpkin Patch With Baby Pig Petting Zoo For Instagram." Somebody stop me.
5. Halloween. I don't like Halloween.
6. Winter is coming. Winter is even colder than fall. I can't.
So catch me on the couch under a blanket for the next few months. I'm almost officially out of season.
-j
