I hate it when men tell me to smile. Most women do. This is just my regular face, okay? I'll smile if something elicits a natural, joyous response from me-- not when a rando tells me that I should. If you're like me and hate getting unsolicited commands from strangers, here is a list of appropriate responses for the next time someone tells you to smile.
1. Angrily chant, "My Body, My Choice!" into his face. Unfold the cardboard sign that says this very phrase from your purse, the one that you carry around for this exact purpose. Wave the sign around in a frenzy to draw as much attention as possible to your cause.
2. Smile like Kahwi Leonard during an NBA press conference (As in, briefly show your teeth, and immediately pull your lips closed), and ask nervously, "Do I pass?"
3. If he says that you'd be prettier if you smile, tell him that beauty is on the inside, and that your liver is immaculate due to minimal alcohol consumption.
4. Hiss like a ferocious feline. Turn into a ferocious feline. Scratch him and dart away into the night. Find some chicken or tuna. Eat it. Feel your soul renew. Return to your human form.
5. Say, "How's about no?" and be on with your merry way.
6. Start to cry and tell him that you're going through a really rough time right now. If he asks why, tell him that random people keep telling you what to do, and you're really sick of it, because you are your own person, and you just want to live your life.
7. Avada Kedavra him.
8. Smile sweetly and apologize for not smiling in his presence. Whoops. Pardon me, sir. Forgive me for not having a cheery attitude around a proper gentleman. I'm just a silly lady with an array of human emotions.
9. Ummm, be the bigger person and educate him on why it's demeaning to a woman to be told what to do by a total stranger. Explain to him that it suggests that he has command over her, which he doesn't, and that hearing a man tell us to "smile, honey" makes us want to puke. Tell him that you're not trying to be rude, but you're freaking sick of it, and if one more person tells you to smile, then you might just STAB THEM.
-j
