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If You Thought She Was Awkward Before, Imagine Her On A Zoom interview

Basic human interaction has left the chat.

If you’ve ever encountered me in the wild and thought to yourself, “This bitch is awkward,” then boy, have I got something for you. It’s me, on a Zoom interview, failing to appear humanlike. Am I capable of performing well on this potential job match? A more pressing question— am I... okay?

You could attribute the long pauses between coherent thoughts to the expected lag of an internet phone call, but most likely it’s just the fact that I CANNOT SPEAK like a normal human under pressure. ”Yes, I am resonate with such as values like resonating hard work and.”

Am I making weird eye contact by staring directly into the camera hole? Which version of you should I look at? The you that is a camera hole or the you that is blurry and pixelated on my screen?

Can you hear my cat crying her melancholy song outside the door, because I kicked her out of the room to avoid disruption? Does it sound like she is being tormented by the most tortuous of physical pains deep in her heart or her belly? Because actually she’s perfectly fine, she just hates closed doors and wants to stare at me for a few seconds before running away.

Did I just interrupt you? Should you go ahead? Should I go ahead? No, you go ahead. Please. Oh, okay, then I’ll go. Nevermind, you’re going to go. Oh, you’re actually going to go. You’re literally exiting the call.

Alright. Love you- I mean, thank you! I’ll text you to follow up. Or should I follow your dog’s Instagram account and message you through there? Whatever works for me, bro. By the way, my pronouns are she/her, and I was kidding about the gecko thing.


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thank you, love you, xoxo ✨

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