WHOMST is she
Dear Cute Angel Baby Face Filter,
This is an open letter to you and all of your sister filters: Hottie With A Body Filter, Swollen-Lipped Babe Filter, Nose Job Chic Filter, Did I Or Didn’t I Have Korean Cosmetic Jaw Reduction Surgery Filter, No I’m Not Wearing Hazel Grey Contacts This Is My Natural Eye Color Filter, I’m Actually So Young I’m A Fetus Filter, and Sparkly Without Any Direct Light Source Filter.
I’m writing to let you know that I’ve had enough. The first time I saw you, I was surely tempted, and I wanted you to be on me. I saw how good you looked on other people, and I dared to imagine what we’d look like together.
So I put you on. I could barely believe my eyes. WHOMST IS SHE. My fickle skin texture had been smoothed to the likeness of the top of a Filet-O-Fish bun. My face shape had gone from regular homosapien to angular lizard person. My nose was skinnier than a single angel hair pasta noodle. My lips were thicc and plumped to perfection. My eye color had changed from black coffee to delicious, multi-faceted vanilla latte. And for some reason, despite my usual non-reflectiveness, I was so very sparkly. I looked like a bizarro, other-dimension version of myself who had either hit the genetic jackpot or who had endless funding for cosmetic enhancement.
You’ve gone far enough. I don’t know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror, and wonder/sing to myself, who is that potato I see potato-ing right back at me?
These flirtations must stop. I’m not going to entertain you or any of your variations anymore. This is goodbye.
So farewell forever.
I’m barefaced, but I will resist.
Me, until you evolve into Cute Mermaid Cutie Face Filter, then I’m back on board.
Thanks for reading, you cutie patootie don't-need-no-filter booty. See ya on the internets.