Dear Cute Angel Baby Face Filter, I’ve Had Enough

WHOMST is she

Dear Cute Angel Baby Face Filter,

This is an open letter to you and all of your sister filters: Hottie With A Body Filter, Swollen-Lipped Babe Filter, Nose Job Chic Filter, Did I Or Didn’t I Have Korean Cosmetic Jaw Reduction Surgery Filter, No I’m Not Wearing Hazel Grey Contacts This Is My Natural Eye Color Filter, I’m Actually So Young I’m A Fetus Filter, and Sparkly Without Any Direct Light Source Filter.

I’m writing to let you know that I’ve had enough. The first time I saw you, I was surely tempted, and I wanted you to be on me. I saw how good you looked on other people, and I dared to imagine what we’d look like together.

So I put you on. I could barely believe my eyes. WHOMST IS SHE. My fickle skin texture had been smoothed to the likeness of the top of a Filet-O-Fish bun. My face shape had gone from regular homosapien to angular lizard person. My nose was skinnier than a single angel hair pasta noodle. My lips were thicc and plumped to perfection. My eye color had changed from black coffee to delicious, multi-faceted vanilla latte. And for some reason, despite my usual non-reflectiveness, I was so very sparkly. I looked like a bizarro, other-dimension version of myself who had either hit the genetic jackpot or who had endless funding for cosmetic enhancement.

You’ve gone far enough. I don’t know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror, and wonder/sing to myself, who is that potato I see potato-ing right back at me?

These flirtations must stop. I’m not going to entertain you or any of your variations anymore. This is goodbye.

So farewell forever.

Really.

I’m barefaced, but I will resist.

Sincerely,

Me, until you evolve into Cute Mermaid Cutie Face Filter, then I’m back on board.