Manifest your brightest, clearest self by purchasing all of these reasonable products, handpicked by the Goop girls!
Sadie’s pick: This Smells Like My Social Anxiety Rollerball, $89. Take your social anxiety on the go with this sophisticated fragrance. Base notes: orange blossom and worry. Heart notes: vetiver and excess fear of being judged. Top notes: sunbeam and sweat salt.
“I get tons of compliments whenever I wear this, which is dope, but also makes me self-conscious. Amelia said I smell pretty, but I think she meant that she hates me. I cope by hiding in the Crystal Cove until everyone leaves the office! Really long-lasting fragrance.”
Adelaide’s pick: Vulva Print Kit, $121. Every labia is distinct and beautiful like a blooming rose. Now it can be shared with your partner as a sweet memento. Or display it proudly on your wall as an ode to yourself! Included in each kit: non-toxic body paint available in two color stories — pop pastel or minimalist; 2 sheets of fine art paper. Not included: gold-plated art frame or anything else.
“This is a gorgeous piece that I display in my home, right next to my 3D-printed aura reading. People are always like, ‘Wow, interesting art!’ and I go, ‘Thanks! That’s my vag.’ Super fun and super cute.”
Amelia’s pick: Personalized Nipple Earrings, $140. Free your nipple with these adorable, hand-painted clay earrings. How it works: send a pic of your nips, and Goop will custom create a piece of wearable art inspired by you! Artists take into account areola circumference, color, and orientation. Arrives in 13 months. No refunds.
“They really captured the essence of my asymmetrical nipples. Almost forgot I ordered them, because they took so long to arrive— but these babies are stunning! The right one’s heavier than the left one. So, so good. And between you and me, they got way more attention than Adelaide’s lady-clam art unveiling.”
Camila’s pick: Crystal-Energized Condoms, $300 for 10. These are just regular latex condoms that were placed under crystals that have been energized by the sun. They may increase the intensity of your orgasm. Or not. Disclaimer: some crystals have sharp edges, which may occasionally cause natural holes to occur in product. Satisfaction 100 percent not guaranteed.
“I had the best sex of my life while using these condoms. The energy was so transcendent! Hold on, is someone eating a Slim Jim? I think I need to throw up. Shit. Excuse me — ”
Kumquat’s pick: Jade Belly Button Wellness Egg, $156. A sister to the yoni egg, but for your belly button! Placing this egg-shaped crystal in your belly button for 15 minutes daily will strengthen your belly button muscles and sacral chakra. Girl, you are glowing. And your belly button? The strongest in town.
“After incorporating this jade egg into my morning routine, I can break an actual egg with my belly button. But not just any egg, like a quail egg. Or a hummingbird egg, probably. Other small eggs I can’t think of —
Hey, is Camila alright?”
Elodie’s pick: Mermaid Fin Tea, $94. Research conducted by our in-house research team has shown that mermaid fin boosts collagen, vocal clarity, and overall happiness! Our mermaid fin tea is ethically and sustainably sourced from small fishing businesses somewhere. Mermaid fins are dried in the sun and then crafted into our tea. Steep with hot water and enjoy all of the benefits, which are certainly real.
“First of all, I love that they slaughter the mermaids humanely. That’s important to me, you know? Second of all, look. At my. Skin. Third of all, I can sing now. Wanna hear me do the whistle note run from Mariah Carey’s ‘Emotions’? I made a guy fall off his bike with that, which is pretty much the same as drowning him in the sea.
Eep. Sorry, gotta run! Camila needs me to do a crystal reading to see if her belly has become a resplendent life source. Try the tea, though!
SADIE! GET OUT OF THE CRYSTAL COVE! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN HERE?”
Adelaide just tore Amelia’s nipple earrings from her lobes, and now they’re yoga fighting — but that’s just them harnessing their divine feminine energy. Thank you for joining us on the blog today. Please click through to purchase any products mentioned. Posted by Intern.
Goop products are made to entertain and enlighten. We are not liable for pregnancies, cattiness, sore belly buttons, or extinction of entire mermaid race.
This story was originally published on Muddyum!