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How To Keep Wearing A Mask Without Acting Like A Smug Piece Of Shit

Oh, you haven’t heard of the variant? WEIRD.

Photo by Cottonbro from Pexels (Edited by author)

People are taking their masks off, but you’re still choosing to keep your mouth and nose holes covered as we continue to brave this pandaroni. Because societal responsibility— that’s why! Not everyone is as morally inclined as you, and that’s fine. Remember that your mask speaks volumes about your character and how much you love protecting others. If you’re still laboriously breathing through layers of fabric for the greater good, here’s how to persevere without acting like a smug piece of shit around the maskless.

  1. Don’t forget that your eyes are still visible. When you look down upon those who are baring their whole ass faces, know that they can see the disdain shining in your pupils. Unfurrow that brow and smize! It’s okay to judge others, as long as you keep it to yourself.

  2. Never ask if someone has been vaccinated. THAT IS A VIOLATION OF THEIR HIPPOPOTAMUS. You can’t just go around violating peoples’ hippopotenuses, because you’ll earn a reputation for being a serial hiphopanonymous violation-dude, and that’s the last thing you want, you pompous hipparapatherappa disrespecter.

  3. Do not loudly sigh and adjust your mask over your nose when you come into contact with an unmasked. It’ll just make them self-conscious about their nakedness. Instead, compliment them on their wondrous shoe and sock combination or on how gorgeously unobstructed their nostrils are or how their teeth glisten in the light as they open their mouth to speak. A little word of kindness goes a long way.

  4. Avoid tossing your hair over your shoulder and saying, “Oh, this old thing?” as you gesture to your mask. You may think it comes off as casually humble, but it reads more smug as a bug, if you know what I mean. If someone asks why you’re still wearing a mask, just moonwalk outta there and avoid the interaction altogether. HOME FREE!

It’s really not that hard to stay modest as you continue donning your mask in these never-before-experienced times. With these tips, you’ll be navigating the new world with ease. Carry on, beacon of righteousness. And please, keep your hippos under control.


thank you, love you, xoxo ✨

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