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If 2020 Doesn’t End With Alien Contact, I’m Gonna Be Pissed

So you think you can MONOLITH.

(Photo via Utah Department of Public Safety)

Because the greatest ending to this bogus year would be for the metal monolith in Utah to open up and release an airborne COVID-19 cure that eradicates the virus entirely.

Maybe then the aliens will land in major cities across the world. So elegantly, so peacefully. The most peaceful of fashions. They might say, “Your species is stunted, because of its stubborn attachment to archaic religions.” Then we’d say peace out to religion, racism, and everything else that's been holding us back. Because a l i e m s said s o .

Bonus points if the aliens bring us a technology to heal our planet from global warming.

Bonus, bonus points if the aliens show us how to telepathically communicate with animals. (Because, I for one, want my cat to know that I DIDN’T MEAN TO LIGHTLY STEP ON HER LITTLE TOE. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, BECAUSE SHE ZOOMED IN FRONT OF MY TRAJECTORY PATH.)

A million, trillion bonus points if the aliens generously gift us the science to instantly create delicious, creamy boba drinks from a device that we wear on our wrists. No big deal.

I only want aliens now. If 2020 is going to end in a month, I NEED ALIENS. Do you guys hear me? Y’all better get your gray ass, googly-eyed booties to the blue planet ASAP. T-minus 36 days. You know where to find me. No, I know that, literally, you know my exact location. Because of alien space tech. See you soon.


a patient, understanding, hopeful human bean


thank you, love you, xoxo ✨

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