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The Time A Brown Tree Snake Snuggled Up To Me In Bed

I'm a thnake.

In the early 2000's, Mariah Carey told the world that Guam is overrun with brown tree snakes. That they fall out of trees and stuff. I remember hearing the hubbub and thinking it was funny. Brown tree snakes everywhere! We're drowning in them. Yea right, I had seen like, one snake in all of my life. This is the story of my midnight brown tree snake encounter.

One night when I was eleven years old, I was roused from my slumber by a cold slithering against my bare leg. I sat up, still hazy from sleep. Had I dreamt that something had brushed up against me? I threw my blanket off my body to investigate, which is when I saw the tail end of a brown tree snake gliding over the edge of my bed and into the darkness below.

Fully awake now, I launched off of my bed as far as I could, putting as much distance between myself and the serpent intruder. I ran to my dad’s room, shouting that there was a snake in my room.

My dad was like, “Are you sure?”

I was like, “VERY MUCH SURE.”

He grabbed his pellet gun, and we stood in the doorway of my room cautiously. There in the corner of my bedroom was the brown tree snake. Coiled and sinister.

My dad shot that brown tree snake in the head and asked me to get something, anything in which to dispose the body.

I went to the kitchen and found an empty grape juice bottle. This should do, I thought.

I returned with it, and my dad held the tip of the snake’s tail and hovered its body above the grape juice bottle. Trying earnestly to align the blown up snake’s head with the bottle opening. The snake’s body swung slowly, slowly, almost there, nope, bounced off the side of the bottle, maybe this time, ah so close. I’ll never forget how this moment dragged on. It went on for far too long.

“Next time, just get a bag or an empty box or something,” my dad said in frustration when he finally got the snake into the bottle and closed the cap.

Yea ok, next time a snake strolls into my room, I’ll remember to get a better receptacle for its body. For next time.

Brown tree snakes, beware. You killed all the koko birds, and you have the audacity to slither into my bed. You’re going down, you slippery little sneks.


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