No more judgment!
Things were going so well. The way he looked into my eyes, sparks! So when he moved in closer, I arched my back, and that’s when he saw a glimmer of white bread peeking out of my bra. “Is that… Is that a sandwich?” he stammered.
“Even better. It’s an Uncrustable,” I said.
And I pulled that strawberry and peanut butter Uncrustable out of my bra in one quick swoop. “Want one?” I asked.
A look of distress came over his face. He narrowed his eyes in confusion.
“Oh, don’t worry! I have two!” I said, reassuringly. And I whipped out the other Uncrustable from my right boob. “They’re wonderful when they’ve thawed. Maybe even better when they’re slightly warm from body heat.”
He took the Uncrustable and held it like it was a wet sock.
Now I was confused. I cocked my head to look at him.
“Have you… Have you never had an Uncrustable?” I asked. “It’s okay if you haven’t. I won’t judge you.” And I meant that. I have really been trying to be less judgey.
“No, I have. For sure, I’ve had an Uncrustable before,” he said.
“Then you know how delicious the combination of sweet jam, creamy peanut butter and soft white bread is, especially when packaged in a perfectly round sandwich—nary a crust in sight?” I questioned.
“No, I know that they’re bomb, but—”
“Why were they in your bra?”
“Why wouldn’t they be in my bra?”
“Oh, maybe because they’re a snack food and bras are an undergarment for your bosom?”
This was rich. Here I was—being judged for thoughtfully packing an Uncrustable snack for the both of us to enjoy—and he has the audacity to use the word “bosom”?
“Hold on. Did you just say “bosom”? You know, I don’t think this is going to work out,” I said. I began to gather my things. I snatched the Uncrustable out of his hand and shoved it back into my bra.
“You’re acting like I’m the weird one. You’ve been carrying sandwiches in your bra this whole time. This whole time! We’ve been talking and laughing and flirting, and all the while you had two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches—no crust!—padding your bra. I was just taken aback a little, that’s all. Please, I’d love that Uncrustable back, if you’d let me. I’m sorry,” he said.
“Well, it’s just too little too late. Goodbye forever,” I huffed and walked out.
Bosom! What a fuckin’ weirdo, I thought to myself as I alternated bites from the Uncrustable in my left hand and the Uncrustable in my right hand. I savored the texture in my mouth. Perfectly pliant and just the right temperature.