Tail Bone Blues


Humans have tail bones, but we don't have tails. We used to have tails apparently. In our earliest stages. But we don't anymore. We have coccyges. That's plural for coccyx. Coccyx is a great word. I had to google what the plural form of coccyx was, so don't feel bad that you didn't know the word 'coccyges.' I'm not a bone doctor or nothing.

I'm just really glad that we don't have tails. Because, even though it might aid in our overall balance-- I'm imagining that I'd have been a better jazz dancer with a tail, for some reason. (Wait, can you imagine a dancer in a leotard with a hole for the tail, doing like a million pirouettes? That's seriously insane.) What I was trying to say was that even though having a tail might have its benefits, I'm so glad that I don't have a tail, because people would be able to see my emotions. That means my tail would totally give away my secret disdain for someone. I'm trying to keep all of my secret feelings of disdain under wraps. I'm trying to keep it low key. Having a tail would ruin all of that.

This is the scenario I'm picturing:

A group of people convenes. Everyone is wagging their tails, saying, "Oh My God. I'm SO happy to see you. How's everything with your family/work/home/pet, etc.?"

And I'm standing there, with a still as f tail. Not a wag in sight. Just a stationary tail. And I've got a fake smile on my face, and I'm saying, "Yes, wow, I like you people." But my tail is saying otherwise.

People would start to notice.

People might start to talk.

They might say, "You know, your tail is like, not wagging? And like, all of our tails are? Like, what's up with that?"

And I'd have to come up with an excuse, "Oh. My tail is .. broken. My tail is broken. I'm pretty insecure about it. Thanks for bringing it up."

And another reason I'm thankful that humans don't have tails is the mystery of whether or not our tails would have body hair on them. If our tails had hair, would we dye the hair, style it, shave it off or what? And if our tails were naked skin, then wouldn't that be even worse? A smooth, long appendage coming out of the top of our butt cracks? That is some horrifying imagery right there.

Yea. So thanks, evolution. Tails on every other animal that has tails are cute. Puppies, kitties, monkeys. Yes. Cute. Tails on a human animal-- super not cute. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

-j

thank you, love you, xoxo ✨

Recent Posts