You can run, but you cannot hide behind these thin, face-framing tendrils of hair
Sorry to bother you, but that trend of pulling two antenna-like strands of hair from your middle part to hang limply on your face is back, baby! But it didn’t return alone — oh no, it came bearing a sharp reminder of how impossibly whack you were in the ’90s. What’s that sound? It’s probably your yellowed, curling dELIA*s catalog gently weeping in the attic.
Maybe no one else remembers that your AIM screen name was NickCarterBbyGrL00, but this hairstyle does. And it will not let you forget it. A/S/L? Sure, it’s Always/Super/Losery.
Ugh, and remember that one time someone wrote in the slam book that you were uggo, because your butterfly hair clips weren’t sPaRkLy? Well, now you do. Antennae hairstyle slapped you across the face with that memory. Hard.
Oh, and don’t forget about when you tried to hold Jeremy’s hand at Gameworks, but he “too slow’ed” you and ran his fingers through his floppy hair and high-tailed it to the air hockey tables instead. Oucheroni. You cried in the bathroom as you reapplied your flip-up Bonnebell LipShades lipstick in “Shade Of Brown.” Poor baby, antennae hairstyle is here for you.
You know what’d make you feel almost as good as plopping your Bongo-clad butt into a neon inflatable chair? You already know, don’t you? Slick your hair back into a low updo with the ends fanned out like an upside-down straw broom. Yes, that’s it. Majestic.
You can feel the next step in your 30-something-year-old heart. Pull two, teeny tiny sections of hair — like, literally four hair strands each — from both sides of your middle part and arrange them so they dangle over your face like spaghetti. Jennifer Love Who? The ’90s are calling, and they’re saying you’re babealicious now, in 2021!
Just accept it. You have hair antennae now, and it’s going to work this time. But in the off-chance that it doesn’t, well, no worries, girl. We’ll C U in aNotHeR 30 yEaRz :)
Originally published in The Haven.