I Tested A Super Accurate Cat Translation App

Something about gravy.



I downloaded a cat translation app the other day, and I eagerly held my phone over my cat as she cried for her dinner. It recorded her meows, and offered the translation: “I’m in love.” Not quite right.


I tried again.


Chloe is saying, “I’m in pain.” Chloe is in pain? Dramatic much?


I tried ten more times, and it never gave me an accurate translation. All the while, my cat was getting increasingly louder in her request for chicken-flavored dinner crunchies. As a cat mom, I know that she was saying, “STOP MESSING AROUND AND FUCKING FEED ME, BINCH.” But surprisingly, that never came up on the app. I feel like that‘s a pretty common phrase that all cats use. Have the developers of this app ever even seen a cat?


Some other common phrases that were not included:


“Don’t touch my tail, you dirty hands.”


”I am going to sprint in front of you so fast mid step, and you are going to punt me into the sun.”


“I cam be a shrimps.”


”I JUST POOED. ATTENTION, EVERYONE. I JUST POOED.”


”I go fast and slam my head into the vertical blinds. ZoOoOm.”


”Look at my long leg.”


Sorry, cat translation app. I understand my cat. I know she's just performing a dramatic soliloquy about beef gravy and threatening my well-being. I don’t need a faulty app to tell me that. Like right now, she’s saying that someone threw up in the other room. Not sure who did it, but yea, it was someone, and it’s seeping into the carpet. So weird how that just ... happens.


FINAL VERDICT: 0 STARS. DIDN’T WORK.




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