top of page

I Want To Shave My Head Like Halsey, But I'm Too Much Of A Little Bitch To Do It

To be hot one must know thy hotness.

I'll be the first to admit that I place too much value on my hair. While I rued my curly baby hairs as a child and tried in vain to gel them into submission, I grew to really love the texture of my hair as a young adult. It's just a little bit wavy and changes its mood by the day. I wear it long to really feed my mermaid delusion.

Unfortunately, in the past few years, my hair has been thinning noticeably. It makes me sad. And to add to this, it makes me sad that it makes me sad— it reveals the true depths of my vanity. I want to wear my hair in a half-up, half-down bun, but the thought of everyone seeing all of my scalp skin peeking through fills me with melancholy. I’m all scalp. There’s not a lot to work with here.

I should just shave my head and get it over with.

So many hot girls with shaved heads out there now. I could follow in their hot footsteps. I mean, look at all of them. Their wonderfully-shapen heads. Their glowing skin. Their elegant jawlines. If their head is shaved, they’re hot. It’s a phenomenon worthy of study. It’s not completely out of the question that they might be aliens. Perhaps my shaved head would not be quite as cute and fuzzy as theirs, but a girl can try.

There's just one big problem.

I'm too much of a little bitch to go through with it.

Who knows if I have the bone structure to pull off such a dope look? What if it turns out to be flat out fugs on me? What then? Will I have to live in a permanent beanie situation? Must I add HUA MIAN LI Long Wavy Wig With Air Bangs For Women to my Amazon cart for emergency standby? Am I strong enough to walk this path?

I don't think I pass the preliminary vibe check to shave my head, because I'm riddled with self doubt. To be hot one must know thy hotness. Hotness comes from within the soul. Without a hot soul, the physical form is merely lukewarm, and lukewarm will get you spat out of Jesus' mouth.

I'm not ready to grab the clippers yet, but in the meantime, I'll continue hiding my unpredictable hairline behind my bangs, saving pics of Halsey on Insta like a normal person, and skeptically drizzling castor oil on my scalp.


xoxo, gossip jelly


thank you, love you, xoxo ✨

Recent Posts

bottom of page